My Favourite
= Half Smiles =
I was thinking about him. Let’s just call him Keith. Keith, simple, that’s what he is.
At 26, the working world was all a man would have explored and tries out all his gusto and fists on the ladder to status and recognition. A typical 26 wears a suit and a tie to work, Keith wore a pyjamas that we hand to him every morning. At 26, a guy is busy typing projects, assignments and chasing proposals. Keith was fighting his game of his laptop, blowing his time away and hoping to fight away the pain. At 26, a man thinks of how to propose, how to impress his parents. Keith was telling his girl friend to be strong, and his parents that he appreciate them. Keith was my patient and I hate the word “was”. It has been almost a year.
I first noticed him what he came up to me and asked for a discharge against doctor’s advice. That’s when I realised as I probed his case notes that he ws only 26.
”no use. It won’t work. Since they said I left a year. They might as ell let me.” So he insisted on speaking to the doctor and going home. After much persuasion that leaving the hospital with such low potassium level will bring him faster to Hades, he decided to stay but he still demanded a night out. So he left in the afternoon and came back late at night.
My first conversation with him happened when he was back way later than what he promised.
”so where you’ve been?” I was curious.
”watch a movie, with my girlfriend.” that’s sweet. So now I know why he wanted so much to be discharged.
” nice show?”
” alright.” smiled. ” It is better than here.”
”of course lor. when U get better. You have all the time in the world.” Assurance I thought, but I was wrong.
” No use. but it is ok. This is my life. grew to accept it.” He made it sound so easy, yet he looked away, into the darkness, avoiding me.
So we talked. Keith just returned from the states when a check up showed a growth. Maglinant, as further tests confirmed it. Jaw bone removed, fixed with metal, disease continue to spread. Right eyeball replaced, still spreading… When we met, he was this man, white, freckled and always holding on a half smile on his face. Yet, as he spoke, there was so much life and his spirit was an optimism and contentment which I have never seen before.
I have asked him if he had ever thought of eternal life and a God. He just said, “Well, this is my life, I am just unfortuate so to speak. ” Flashing me another half smile, he was clearly inviting me to a debate. It was not easy talking to him about death. It was so uncomfortable, so cutting that I cant bear to. even as I want him to realise that life is short and death is an eternal and real, imminent issue, a part of me wanted to spare this positivity and optimism that he radiate. So wanting him to realise that even this short life was so treasured by God, yet I did not want to stake on his acceptance which seemed to me was his only strength. I liked to see him strong. That half smile, yes that half smile, I did not want to lose.
I left him that night, sitting at the edge of the bed, looking through a miracle service pamphet that I handed to him. He was still deciding at that point, whether to go for a final dose of chemo which the doctor proposed that can prolong his life just a little.
In the next few weeks he was discharged, but returned again shortly. This time, he was shrunken. His skull was edging out of his pale, and greyish skin. He looked frail and gaunt. So I asked again.
” So what you’ve been doing at home?’”
’Nothing, lazing around.” forced a smile.
” No movies? no going out?”
” too weak now. “
silence.
“er.. still playing games at home.” Awkward.
” ya, but, cant play long. Cant concentrate.”
” Why dont you try writing something. i dont know.. your thoughts?” I was thinking if I could have his e mail at least, my chances of asking him to come to church may be higher. I had no clue then.
” Too weak lar.. Painful. Cant breathe even. It is getting tiring.. too tired. Now I just wish it will just stop. Just get over and done with.”
It just came so unexpectedly. Just when I was so amazed at his endurance and optimism, he has drying out. His words bit me like a sting. I was stunned, dumbfounded. I looked at him, caught him hastily looking away, gazing far out of the window.
” Think this is the last time, I will be seeing you. Really.”
In all my times at the death beds, they just slipped into unconsciousness and ebbed away. They gasped, they teared when relatives come by to speak soft good byes into their ears. But now, this patient of mine is bidding goodbye me. I realised it was the last of his strength that once told me that he had come to accept it. Now, accepting it, he was going.
I felt like crying then.
” I will see you later. Dont leave until I saw you.” As usual, he was insisting of a discharge.
All throughout his stay, I’ve watched him quietly, playing his games, pondering throughout the afternoons. in the evenings, his girlfriend will arrive with chips and they would watch the news or the drama on the TV, both snuggling comfortable on the hospital bed making a theatre of their own. He was always that cool, quiet man, who was accepting. I guessed in a way, he was content with all he has had. somehow, he did not craved for all things a 26 will yearn for. Somehow, he was contented with, a make shift romantic show with his girlfriend, quiet afternoons and meaning ful times with his parents. He made me saw life, a young life that is so well treasured.
I wrote a letter to him, telling him that I really appreciated him as a person and that his courage to face it all so gallantly touched me. So I handed to him before he left. He said bye to me, a cheerful one, a short meet in the eye and then gazed way.
Since then, he did not return. There were times in the next days after I’ve last seen him, I teared as I thought of him, all that he should be experienceing in life, all that he have missed. i asked why. yet, I knew it was only in vain as Keith never saw it a miss. He never saw what he had not experience. In his eyes, it was so enough.
His passing through my youth as a nurse taught me life that as much as it can be overwhelmed by our dreams and desires, the essentials of it still pivot on how fulfilling our relationships with our love ones are. At the end of it, we dont hold on to certifications, degrees, license and checks, but the hands of those we have walked with.
Let me just share that it may give a bit of provoke and recheck on our strives.
